Home Sweet Sarah

Quick note: Bravo has been airing reruns of RHOC in tandem with previews for the upcoming season that starts in a few weeks and I’ve noticed that there are only five OC housewives in this upcoming season, as opposed to eight (8!) NY housewives. I’m guessing Bravo can’t legally show that much spray tan in one sitting without some kind of warning or disclaimer. Anyway, onto NY!

It’s raining in NYC as we meet up with Dorinda and Ramona. Ramona is sick but is going to go out anyway because she’s single and ready to mingle. This is exactly the approach I used to bag Chris, so I recommend it. The ladies talk about their husbands, boyfriends, and the Berkshires. It’s a very boring conversation.

Meanwhile, Carole is running for a spot on her building’s co-op board and has amassed a group of NYC’s political movers and shakers to help with her campaign. She’s even wearing a suit! This should be fun. Everyone starts throwing around words like “messaging” and “transparency,” and we do find out that Carole came home (ostensibly drunk) at 3am, sans keys, and had to have the fire department break the door to let her in. Ramona took the words right out of my mouth when she said, “DoorGate!”

Dr. Amador is back! Bethenny immediately gives him shit about his tie. WHAT IS WITH THIS WOMAN. Doctor A and Beth rehash Beth’s talk with her stepfather. Doctor A calls out Beth’s stepfather for not acknowledging or apologizing to Bethenny and Bethenny loses her shit on Doctor A.

Commercial break…

And we’re back!

Bethenny and Doctor A continue their conversation and finally start to get real. The crap she’s saying about her stepfather once again begs the question, WHY would she want this person in her daughter’s life? WHY? Ugh, these therapy scenes are hard to cover because I like to pay half attention to this shit and the whole point of therapy is to pay full attention.

Onward!

SonJa shows up to a SonJa In The City fete (SonJa’s big with the Latinos, did you know?) with a leopard-print umbrella and a leopard-print coat. The ladies show up to SonJa’s event and Heather asks if SonJa’s clothing line is going to be in Kmart. Everyone on SonJa’s team freaks out. The dress is Italian fabric, thankyouverymuch.

Commercial break…

And we’re back!

Carole is throwing what might be a loser’s party or what might be a winner’s party. She’s serving two-year-old frozen pigs in blankets. I can dig it. Bethenny gets mad at Heather for asking about Bethenny’s custody arrangement. Bethenny thinks Heather’s wish for a Maleficent tattoo is a bad idea. Both women may be right here.

Meanwhile, Kristen pulls SonJa aside to apologize for doubting her business. I refuse to apologize yet. One dress prototype does not a business make.

Carole gets the important call and finds out she was elected to the board!

Commercial break…

And we’re back!

Apparently Ramona owns a restaurant (I refuse to dig deeper into this–didn’t Ramona learn anything from Britney Spears’s NYLA?) and she and her partner are interviewing potential employees. It’s super great, I must say. Behold:

Ramona’s Restaurant Partner: “What are you doing right now?”

Ramona’s Potential Employee: “I’m here.”

RRP: “No, are you working somewhere?”

RPE: “I am currently between employment…Things disappeared.”

RRP: “On your application, we asked you to list any other office machines you could operate and you put ‘stapler’.”

Commercial break…

And we’re back!

Carole and Bethenny meet up to shop for furniture/housewares. Bethenny defends why she’s not going to the Berkshires for Dorinda’s 50th birthday and then cries about her daughter. Carole seems terrified by Bethenny’s crying. Carole is giving Bethenny a run for her money in the empathy department, let me tell you what.

Although the ladies (sans Beth) are going to the Berkshires, Lu decides to throw Dorinda a caviar birthday celebration in the city before they go. Basically it’s an excuse for Lu to eat caviar. No really, she says as much. Ramona shows up with the tall drink of water she met in the Hamptons, then Dorinda arrives with her…short glass of RC Cola.

Lu makes a toast to the ladies and it turns sour when Ramona talks shit about Heather and Lu. Then it turns sour-er when LuAnn calls out Ramona for talking shit about Dorinda’s boyfriend John (who is, conveniently, in the bathroom, probably doing coke with the caviar server.) Turns out, Ramona and Lu talked shit about John together, but then Ramona went and told Dorinda. (This all seems very juvenile, as Ramona has already told Dorinda to her face what she thought about John. Why bring it up again, if only to roll LuAnn under the bus? Anyway.)

Commercial break…

And we’re back!

John’s back from the bathroom–sniffling, may I add; I CALLED IT–and now Ramona is mad at Dorinda for telling LuAnn that she knows what Lu and Ramona said about John. (Seriously this is all so dumb.) The whole thing ends with Dorinda in her confessional saying she knows Ramona was using LuAnn as a scapegoat. The best part of all this is how awkward and regretful Ramona’s date looks.

Next time: Dinner parties gone wrong–YAY!

Ramona
It’s Turtle Time! Ramona is still celebrating her birthday with her 30+ closest friends (aren’t YOU popular, ‘Mons.) Bethenny and Ramona talk shit on Heather behind her back and it’s not that they’re not valid (“Holla!”, “Hey Mama!”, etc.) but it’s as equally annoying to talk shit about someone for the quirky things they say as it is to say the quirky things in the first place. Anyway, Carole and Bethenny rehash the come to Jesus that Bethenny had with SonJa in Atlantic City. SonJa speaks to a Swami Priestess about her vortex of energy. SonJa thanks Bethenny for their come to Jesus, but in her confessional, SonJa says Bethenny’s projecting. The biggest takeaway here is Bethenny’s forest green nail color, which is ON POINT.

Bethenny
Ooooh, Dr. Amador! Ooooh a flashback to that terrible boat trip Bethenny and Jason took! Bethenny starts out by complaining about how hard the talk show was (cry me a river), then they get into some good therapy talk about trust and being guarded, and then Bethenny says she’s going to meet up with her stepfather who she hasn’t seen in some time. Her reasoning for it is that she wants her daughter to have family on Bethenny’s side of the family, whether that family is positive or negative. ABORT, ABORT. If someone’s negative, no, you do not want them part of your life. Family for family’s sake isn’t a good reason, Beth.

Commercial break…

And we’re back!

Carole
Carole reveals she fell in love with boxing while watching a Jack Johnson documentary while taking testosterone. I kind of can’t with this woman. Anyway, Carole, Lu, and Kristen watch a boxing match and Kristen gets a boxer’s sweat on her leg. Ramona shows up and we find out that Bethenny’s not coming because she has her kid that night. Kristen digs at Bethenny, saying that Bethenny’s not making an effort and if Kristen can get childcare for her two kids then why can’t Bethenny with her one? I…don’t think that was the point, Kristen. I think it was Bethenny’s, like, assigned night with her daughter. You’re comparing apples and oranges there. More boxing. Yawn. The ladies head out for post-fight drinks. Kristen orders tea and Ramona orders steamed greens beans. The real fight begins, as Lu and Carole argue about Adam, Carole’s new boyfriend/Lu’s chef/Lu’s niece’s ex-boyfriend. What’s the population on the island of Manhattan? Aren’t there enough men to go around?

Commercial break…

And we’re back!

Bethenny
Bethenny’s at a restaurant in Miami and immediately starts giving the waiter shit. SHUUUUUT UUUUP. Bethenny catches up with an old friend and starts telling stories about how her stepfather beat her mom and also once got into some kind of altercation with her (Bethenny.) And this is a person you want your daughter to know? BETHENNY. NO.

Dorinda
Back in NYC, Dorinda and Ramona meet up for a workout. Minus s-e-x, Dorinda hasn’t worked out in years. Ramona makes fat jokes about Dorinda’s boyfriend John, but then in her confessional says she believes John’s not in it for the right reasons. We find out John doesn’t live in Manhattan. Does this mean he lives in…Jersey? Quelle horror! Anyway, I do agree with Ramona–John seems terrible.

LuAnn
Back in Miami, the ladies hit up Art Basel, where Lu’s daughter has a piece of art showing. Victoria is all grown up and pounding champagne. Yes, good practice for the future, Vic. Bethenny and Lu talk about how Bethenny hasn’t been showing up to events. As suspected, Bethenny says her priority is to spend every moment she can with her daughter. Seriously, the other ladies can suck it on that point. Bethenny spends $3 to feed a hobo clown an ice cream sandwich and it’s legitimately the most disgusting thing I’ve seen in a long time.

Commercial break…

And we’re back!

SonJa has a personal training session in her bathroom. Is SonJa a hoarder? She has shit EVERYWHERE.

Commercial break and an ad for Odd Mom Out. Are we going to watch this? I think yes.

And we’re back!

Carole
Possibly Carole has finally started to write her book…or not. Adam calls from Nicaragua and they talk about honey and the weather. Seriously, that’s it. Yawn.

Bethenny
Bethenny meets up with her stepfather and they rehash the past and talk about what an awful person her mother was and how awful her childhood was, what with threats of mafia violence and her stepfather beating her mother. Then shit gets really sad as Bethenny’s stepfather says he’s mad because Bethenny hasn’t talked to him in over 20 years. Umm, exqueeze me? Bethenny, RUN. RUN FAR AWAY. Seriously stop wasting your time even talking to this sack of shit.

Commercial break…

And we’re back!

Bethenny and her awful stepfather continue their fight and I want to reach through my tv and strangle this guy, who seems like he wants some kind of medal for going to visit 14-year-old Bethenny in boarding school “three or four times a year.” THIS GUY. WHAT IS HAPPENING. Well, joke’s on me, I guess, because Bethenny and the stepfather hug it out and Bethenny thinks the talk went well. HOOOOKAY.

Next time on the Real Housewives of New York, LuAnn wants to stick Ramona’s head in a bowl of caviar. That caviar is a GARNISH!

We begin amid a fight! Already? EXCELLENT. Everyone’s mad at SonJa because she won’t let anyone in her house as she packs for Atlantic City. A lot of “Lady Morgan” is being thrown around by Heather. Dorinda and Kristen are annoyed but hoooo boy, Heather is HOT. Ramona meets these three on the street; turns out she was allowed to come in and use SonJa’s terlet, but then was given the boot as well. Finally the limo arrives and the ladies, abandoning their suitcases in the street, escape the rain and start searching the limo high and low for a bottle opener. Yes, please, get these broads a cocktail, stat. Bethenny arrives (late, apparently; who knows what time they were supposed to leave originally) and apologizes profusely for being late. Now, listen. Heather seems rightfully mad at SonJa. It’s raining and you’re being forced to stand outside with your luggage while the trip’s hostess does whatever inside her dry apartment? Yeah, I’d be pissed too. But being mad at Bethenny as well seemed a little misplaced. It sounds as though Beth called to let people know she’d be late, which is more than can be said for SonJa. Not to mention, SonJa was later arriving at the limo than Bethenny. So WhoTF cares at this point that Bethenny is late! Anyway, some SkinnyGirl margs are opened and the ladies begin their journey to AC. Lucky for us, the fighting continues (I think Heather needs a snack…maybe?) and Ramona finally shuts the shit down, saying she wants a nice, chill birthday. YES PLEASE FOR ONCE EVERYONE LISTEN TO RAMONA.

Bethenny has to pee, but unfortunately there’s no bucket around, so the limo has to make a stop on the side of the road so Beth can cop a squat. Oh, yay, flashback to Bethenny pissing in a bucket! Ramona tried to pee on the side of the road, but couldn’t. Get Ramona a glass of warm water!

Commercial break…

And we’re back!

We have officially entered the Garden State! Praise be! The ladies are staying at the Borgata and Bethenny has kindly sent ahead an array of SkinnyGirl treats. I AM ROLLING MY EYES. I am assuming all the SkinnyGirl merch is part of her contract this season, but I am wearying of it and quickly.

There’s some talk of farts, Heather floods her bathroom, and Carole and Lu arrive before finally, it’s time to go out. Carole is sporting bunny ears. Kristen is wearing two different colored shoes and is, I must say, rocking it. Kristen, please put that on your blog! (I also like, btw, how Kristen compares AC to a bat mitzvah in Manhattan, basically saying she’d never wear two different shoes to a bat mitzvah in NYC, but in AC, who cares? I agree. I’m afraid of teenage Jewish girls too, Kristen.)

Oh good someone (Bethenny) brings up everyone (mainly Heather) being late for dinner. It’s LateGate, guys! The finally do arrive at dinner, order a metric ton of alcohol (GOOD, YES, KEEP THIS UP) and then Bethenny gets mad at a “shot” Carole took at her for comparing Lu to a European, when she’s really from Connecticut. Really? WhoTF cares, Beth? Bethenny then starts laying into SonJa and…

Commercial break…Coming up next, SonJa’s vagina!…

And we’re back!

Bethenny suggests SonJa take a Xanax, SonJa starts crying, Bethenny feels really bad, SonJa cries and eats edamame, SonJa claims she works in PR, finally Lu tells them all to STFU.

And it’s time for tequila shots! Nothing goes with sushi quite like tequila, I must say.

Lu awkwardly tells Ramona she likes her better now that she’s not with Mario anymore. Too soon, Lu, too soon.

The ladies finish dinner and head off to the blackjack tables. Carole pops up wearing a tuxedo t-shirt with boobs. I am horrified.

After winning some and losing some, the ladies go to da club where Ramona pets Carole’s boobs, SonJa tries to make out with Lu, and then Lu appoints herself SonJa’s Snatch Guard. Half a night in AC and we’re already throwing around snatch, huh? Okay.

Oh great, more tense conversation between Bethenny and SonJa.

Commercial break…

And we’re back!

Oh wait, it’s just to see Carole laying down in a muppet sweater getting her makeup done and talking about hickeys. Let’s move on.

Real Housewives of OC is coming back June 8th! YAY!

And we’re back in AC!

SonJa’s drunk and Dorinda draws the short straw (by way of everyone else ditching her) and is charged with taking SonJa to bed. SonJa rambles that she was a model in the UAE, she’s an artist, she partied with JFK, Jr. and Madonna.

The next morning, the ladies gather for brunch. By some kind of gift from god, SonJa looks great. SonJa goes to Bethenny’s to have a sober come to Jesus. SonJa admits that maybe some of the vitamins she takes don’t react well with alcohol. MKAY. Through their whole exchange, I do have to give it to Bethenny for keeping it together and bringing all of SonJa’s shit to the forefront. I’ve not been Bethenny’s biggest fan this go-around, but I liked her calling SonJa out. It seems to me what Bethenny is saying is falling on deaf ears for SonJa, though, and in her confessional, SonJa says Bethenny is projecting, so there you go.

Next time on the RHONY, there are clowns and abundance candles and Lu comparing Carole to SonJa and OH NO SHE DI’IN’T.

I decided to brave another week with the RHONY recapping! I am watching and writing (and pausing) as I go, so I am going to tackle this recap scene-by-scene. I want to make sure the recapping is done while the show is fresh in my mind! Onward, to the Housewives…

Bethenny & SonJa
We begin with SonJa and Bethenny, who are meeting downtown, which as you know, is practically like driving to New Jersey when you live uptown. (Listen, I’ve been to NYC a time or two (two; I’ve been there twice) and I know traffic is terrible and riding the subway is beneath you (literally?) but seriously stop with this.) SonJa and Bethenny discuss business-y things like SonJa’s “international fashion/lifestyle brand,” including something about “perfume hair” and bankruptcy. Bethenny is wearing a very cute white blouse with an undone bow tie and I really dig it. I’ve been contemplating bringing back the lady necktie, so I may need to pull the trigger on this. The most important thing learned at this meeting is that SonJa will swallow for a black Amex card. NOTED.

Dorinda & Lu
Next up, Dorinda and Lu meet on the upper east side for a little pedi-pedi. Lu’s wearing a gigantic gold necklace that I must have immediately. Beth and Lu are are two-for-two on neckwear this episode. Dorinda and Lu rehash the two events that Dorinda was not invited to–Bethenny’s birthday party and Lu’s ladies’ night party, which Dorinda’s bf, John, showed up to and which Dorinda is upset about.

Carole & Kristen
These two meet up for “healthy” drinks and oysters and Carole mentions she’s seeing Luann’s “nice” chef, Adam. Kristen’s necklace in her confessional…I may possibly dig it.

Commercial break…

And we’re back!

These two squeeze some lemons and talk about Noel (Lu’s son) possibly telling Luann about Carole and Adam. Am I to understand that Noel knows about Carole and Adam, then? How would that happen? Are Adam and Noel in the same grade in school or what?

SonJa & Ramona
Ramona shows up at SonJa’s with a bottle of Ramona Pinot Grigio in tow. One of SonJa’s interns (I assume) lurks awkwardly in the background as SonJa invites Ramona to Atlantic City for Ramona’s birthday. There will be gambling! Cute boys! Dancing! And all of a sudden, I am seeing visions of the Sex And The City episode where they go to Atlantic City for Charlotte’s birthday, so let’s pretend cast this, shall we? Ramona = Charlotte. SonJa = Samantha. Dorinda = Miranda. Carole = Carrie.

Dorinda & her annoying daughter
Dorinda’s daughter gives her more shit for stupid stuff like books and nails, but then she starts talking about punctuation and okay, maybe she’s not so bad. Dorinda reveals she is throwing a party for the ladies and their gents, so that they can all meet her gent, and Dorinda’s daughter starts talking shit on Dorinda’s boyfriend. Dammit, I may be coming around to this girl after all. Dorinda compares Bethenny to an onion, so that’s fun.

Commercial break…

We’re not going to watch Kandi’s Ski Trip, are we?

And we’re back!

Kristen
You guys, Kristen started a blog. Can you feel the earth move by the sheer magnitude of my eye roll just now? I don’t even want to dignify this with more words. In a nutshell: She prances in the street while one of her interns takes a photo of her wearing Last Night’s Outfit (also her blog name) with an iPhone (“Maybe one day’ll we’ll get a real camera,” Kristen says. “I’m better with an iPhone,” an intern says.) Police officers and other pedestrians watch on and laugh at the spectacle. MOVING ON.

SonJa & Bethenny
SonJa and Bethenny meet up at SonJa Morgan HQ. I am surprised to see her “international brand” actually has a logo and some sketches, so that is fairly impressive conspiring we most recently only had a prototype toaster. SonJa’s CEO and VP can’t disclose what they’re doing or who they’re selling to, but trust that they are doing “a lot of things” and are “in talks.” The CEO and the VP proceed to school Bethenny on how business works. I actually cannot believe they are speaking to her the way they are. The whole exchange is ultimately a complete letdown for me, as Bethenny didn’t take every one of those insane people to task.

Dorinda
It’s the night of Dorinda’s party! Ramona is the first to arrive and feels under-dressed and sad to be attending the party solo. Lu shows up next and, then Kristen and her awful husband and his awful hat. SonJa brings a 24-year-old and Ramona gets mad that SonJa doesn’t say hello to her right away. That seems weird. Who cares? We see Heather’s husband before we see Heather and I am not sure about that guy. Sweetheart for sure! But there’s just…something.

Anyway, there’s some talk among Lu, Heather, and SonJa about SonJa’s “showroom” and I really don’t care. YAWN.

Oh good, Carole is here! Carole and Lu have a sit-down about Carole’s dating Adam, which turns out, Lu knows about because Adam used to date Lu’s niece and Adam called Lu’s niece today to tell her he was seeing Carole and then Lu’s niece called Lu and told her. Jesus Christ with all this. It all sounds like yapping dogs.

Heather finds Kristen and her awful husband with his awful hat and they rehash Bethenny’s birthday. There’s talk of “letting is go.” No one seems to be letting it go.

People feel-up Ramona and she does push-ups. Is this party over yet? There’s more yapping from the ladies and Lu gets annoyed at drunk SonJa, as if that is a new thing we’re seeing.

Commercial break…

And we’re back!

I normally don’t watch these stupid little 30-second snippets that are supposed to be lighthearted or whatever, but since I am recapping the show, I will do it. Kristen suggests Ramona take a page from SonJa’s book and date a younger man. Ramona says why bother when she has a hand.

Commercial break…

And we’re back!

There’s more yapping about SonJa not greeting Ramona immediately. They hug and make up. SonJa flirts with a group of gross men. Considering how Dorinda’s bf acts towards SonJa, maybe his is not gay after all. Ew, then he smacks Kristen’s ass/leg region. I am unimpressed. Looks like Bethenny wasn’t invited or couldn’t make it to this party; I am sure she’ll call many meetings to discuss this with the ladies.

And that’s it for tonight! Next week is Atlantic City and I cannot wait!

The Real Housewives of New York City is back and while I’m sure there are a ton of recaps out there, I thought, you know what the Internet needs? More RHONY recaps! Even though we’re already four episodes in, I figured I’d start recapping it anyway. Or maybe this will be my only recap on the subject! Stay tuned.

To get us in the groove, I thought I’d do a little profile on each of our characters. A Where Are They Now?, of sorts. Or a Who Are They At All?, in the case of the newest ‘wife, Dorinda.

Countess Lu
The Countess has long been a favorite housewife of mine. I don’t know what it is about her that just really speaks to me, but I find her learned elegance to be delightful. Also, the previews for this season kept showing her, obviously hungover as shit, saying, “Be cool. Don’t be, like, uncool.” I can’t wait for that episode so I can see what kind of quasi-French, Johnny Depp-looking pirate elicited that kind of eloquent speech from Lu.

Sexy J SonJa
As a counterpoint to Lu, SonJa is probably my least favorite housewife. I used to find her silly and fun but now she’s just, like, I don’t know, gossiping with her facialist and bossing around her “interns.” The fact that I have to put ” ” around interns–interns–just goes to show how much I think SonJa’s “international brand” is bullshit. I have a feeling I am going to be using a lot of ” ” when describing SonJa. Then again, SonJa brought her own purse beers to Lu’s party and poured one into a wine glass, so maybe she’s not all bad.

Ramona Pinto Grigio
Okay, so Ramona’s crazy, but I do feel bad for her, obviously. At least we can be assured that there will be no awkward massage scenes between her and Mario in our future, so, silver lining. Ramona does look fantastic, though, and has already apologized to someone for her behavior. I am not sure in seven seasons of this show that she’s apologized so quickly, if at all. I am also enjoying her distancing herself from SonJa, but if the distance with SonJa is more Dorinda, then I dunno.

Dorindaaaaaaa
DORINDAAAAAAA. I don’t really have much to say about this broad except that I wish Bravo would stop showing her spoiled, rude, affected daughter on tv. Yes, your mom is on tv. Yes, you by association might also get to be on tv occasionally. This is does not mean you get to act like a wang and call your mom a “chubby chaser” on national television. You are not the housewife, darling (Luann voice). A note about Dorinda’s boyfriend, btw. Uhh, he’s a gay man, right? Also it was very weird and uncomfortable when she said in the most recent episode that she hates when he orders her food at a restaurant because he always orders the wrong thing. Umm, tell him to shove it and order your own food? What was that about? (I guess I had more to say about this Dorindaaaaaaa than I thought.)

Holla Heather
I feel like Heather is a divisive housewife, but I have liked her since she went toe-to-toe with Ramona in her first season and also when she basically told Kristen to buck it up in Montana last season. Judging from how Bethenny acted towards Heather at the dinner with the two of them and Lu, I can pretty much guarantee I’ll continue to be on team Heather. Heather is just trying to move the plot along and Bethenny is shutting it down. To quote Lu, NOT COOL.

The B(ethenny)
Bethenny used to be by faaaar my favorite housewife, possibly ever. I was so excited to see her come back this season. But you guys, can I have take-backsies? She’s being awful already. AWFUL. I feel for her going through a divorce and everything–especially because in watching her spinoff show, it appeared that her husband was a very not-nice person; granted she seemed not great herself, but still. However, listen B, a) owning a home in the Hamptons, b) owning a home in SOHO that you’re renovating, and c) staying in presidential suites in NYC does not make you “homeless.” STAAAAHP with the homeless crap. Also, everything within a 20 foot radius of her being an ad for SkinnyGirl? Over it.

Carole
I usually love Carole, but she is starting off slow for me this season. She is being catty in a not-usual-Carole kind of way that I am not finding super funny. That said, in the most recent episode, we found that took some kind of drug-laced gummy bear and puked on a date with a young cute guy, so maybe she’s starting to pick up the pace a bit. ALSO, when she mentioned that her husband’s cousin died right before her husband, did you also get the impression that Bethenny had no idea the cousin was JFK, Jr.? A Carole v. Bethenny situation could be fun.

Yaaaaawn Kristen
There is literally no discernible reason I can find for Kristen to be on this show. Congratulations, your daughter is walking. I am so glad we wasted air time for that last season. Now please go.

And that’s all I got! I may or may not be back last week to talk more shit on these fine, fine ladies.