Ramona
It’s Turtle Time! Ramona is still celebrating her birthday with her 30+ closest friends (aren’t YOU popular, ‘Mons.) Bethenny and Ramona talk shit on Heather behind her back and it’s not that they’re not valid (“Holla!”, “Hey Mama!”, etc.) but it’s as equally annoying to talk shit about someone for the quirky things they say as it is to say the quirky things in the first place. Anyway, Carole and Bethenny rehash the come to Jesus that Bethenny had with SonJa in Atlantic City. SonJa speaks to a Swami Priestess about her vortex of energy. SonJa thanks Bethenny for their come to Jesus, but in her confessional, SonJa says Bethenny’s projecting. The biggest takeaway here is Bethenny’s forest green nail color, which is ON POINT.
Bethenny
Ooooh, Dr. Amador! Ooooh a flashback to that terrible boat trip Bethenny and Jason took! Bethenny starts out by complaining about how hard the talk show was (cry me a river), then they get into some good therapy talk about trust and being guarded, and then Bethenny says she’s going to meet up with her stepfather who she hasn’t seen in some time. Her reasoning for it is that she wants her daughter to have family on Bethenny’s side of the family, whether that family is positive or negative. ABORT, ABORT. If someone’s negative, no, you do not want them part of your life. Family for family’s sake isn’t a good reason, Beth.
Commercial break…
And we’re back!
Carole
Carole reveals she fell in love with boxing while watching a Jack Johnson documentary while taking testosterone. I kind of can’t with this woman. Anyway, Carole, Lu, and Kristen watch a boxing match and Kristen gets a boxer’s sweat on her leg. Ramona shows up and we find out that Bethenny’s not coming because she has her kid that night. Kristen digs at Bethenny, saying that Bethenny’s not making an effort and if Kristen can get childcare for her two kids then why can’t Bethenny with her one? I…don’t think that was the point, Kristen. I think it was Bethenny’s, like, assigned night with her daughter. You’re comparing apples and oranges there. More boxing. Yawn. The ladies head out for post-fight drinks. Kristen orders tea and Ramona orders steamed greens beans. The real fight begins, as Lu and Carole argue about Adam, Carole’s new boyfriend/Lu’s chef/Lu’s niece’s ex-boyfriend. What’s the population on the island of Manhattan? Aren’t there enough men to go around?
Commercial break…
And we’re back!
Bethenny
Bethenny’s at a restaurant in Miami and immediately starts giving the waiter shit. SHUUUUUT UUUUP. Bethenny catches up with an old friend and starts telling stories about how her stepfather beat her mom and also once got into some kind of altercation with her (Bethenny.) And this is a person you want your daughter to know? BETHENNY. NO.
Dorinda
Back in NYC, Dorinda and Ramona meet up for a workout. Minus s-e-x, Dorinda hasn’t worked out in years. Ramona makes fat jokes about Dorinda’s boyfriend John, but then in her confessional says she believes John’s not in it for the right reasons. We find out John doesn’t live in Manhattan. Does this mean he lives in…Jersey? Quelle horror! Anyway, I do agree with Ramona–John seems terrible.
LuAnn
Back in Miami, the ladies hit up Art Basel, where Lu’s daughter has a piece of art showing. Victoria is all grown up and pounding champagne. Yes, good practice for the future, Vic. Bethenny and Lu talk about how Bethenny hasn’t been showing up to events. As suspected, Bethenny says her priority is to spend every moment she can with her daughter. Seriously, the other ladies can suck it on that point. Bethenny spends $3 to feed a hobo clown an ice cream sandwich and it’s legitimately the most disgusting thing I’ve seen in a long time.
Commercial break…
And we’re back!
SonJa has a personal training session in her bathroom. Is SonJa a hoarder? She has shit EVERYWHERE.
Commercial break and an ad for Odd Mom Out. Are we going to watch this? I think yes.
And we’re back!
Carole
Possibly Carole has finally started to write her book…or not. Adam calls from Nicaragua and they talk about honey and the weather. Seriously, that’s it. Yawn.
Bethenny
Bethenny meets up with her stepfather and they rehash the past and talk about what an awful person her mother was and how awful her childhood was, what with threats of mafia violence and her stepfather beating her mother. Then shit gets really sad as Bethenny’s stepfather says he’s mad because Bethenny hasn’t talked to him in over 20 years. Umm, exqueeze me? Bethenny, RUN. RUN FAR AWAY. Seriously stop wasting your time even talking to this sack of shit.
Commercial break…
And we’re back!
Bethenny and her awful stepfather continue their fight and I want to reach through my tv and strangle this guy, who seems like he wants some kind of medal for going to visit 14-year-old Bethenny in boarding school “three or four times a year.” THIS GUY. WHAT IS HAPPENING. Well, joke’s on me, I guess, because Bethenny and the stepfather hug it out and Bethenny thinks the talk went well. HOOOOKAY.
Next time on the Real Housewives of New York, LuAnn wants to stick Ramona’s head in a bowl of caviar. That caviar is a GARNISH!