People often ask me when we’re going to “give LG a little brother or sister” and while the jury is still out on that one, I wanted to talk about only children because I think there are some misconceptions about us onlies and I wanted to share my thoughts and experiences. Obviously this isn’t everyone’s — one and done or otherwise — thoughts and experiences, but they are things that I have heard in the wild or experienced myself, so here you go.
First misconception: Only children are spoiled. I think we all know this is not true, right? I mean, I probably haven’t heard this a good 20 or so years, so I hope we’re past this, but in case we’re not: Only children aren’t any more or less spoiled than any other children. Like almost anything else regarding child-rearing, whether or not you raise a spoiled child has to do with the parents. I got a lot as a kid, but I also had to do a lot. I started doing the whole house’s laundry when I was around 10-years-old and I had a job at 16 and to this day, I still write a thank you note whenever I receive a gift. See? Not spoiled.
Second misconception: Only children can’t share. Like I said above, I think this too has a lot to do with child-rearing/parenting. Does my two-year-old run around saying, “Mine mine mine mine mine!!!”? Of course she does. I probably did too, as did everyone else at that age, I’m sure. But as a 30-year-old? I can share. I have been able to share for quite some time and in fact, I love to share. Please come over to my house and I’ll cook for you and share my wine and couch space and anything else you may need. Sharing is caring.
Third misconception: Only children are lonely. I think this probably has to do with genetic makeup as much as personality and preferences. Some people can be surrounded by family and be completely depressed and lonely. Some people can be only children and yet have a ton of friends to surround themselves with. Some people can be only children and just — OMG — like to be alone. I didn’t have a ton of friends growing up (but my best friend from 20 years ago is still my best friend today, so I hold onto friendships HARD), but I wasn’t really lonely. (Sure there were periods of lonesomeness, but I think that’s true for anyone.) I read a lot of books, I had imaginary twin friends whose dad drove a painted VW bus and lived in San Francisco, and I talked to myself. A lot. Out loud. To this day, I still talk to myself (out loud) and I enjoy my alone time (books!) and while I don’t currently have any imaginary friends, I do have a lot of real friends, so I think I have a good balance there. Point is: Only children are not lonely. Not anymore than you and you and you.
Fourth misconception: When an only child’s parents die, they won’t have anyone else. It had literally never occurred to me that when my parents are gone, I’ll be alone, but I heard someone say this once and I got all depressed. And then I snapped the fuck out of it because dude, parents dying is hard no matter who you are or how many siblings you have and while maybe having a sibling there would make the process easier (I do not know), I do know that, for me personally, I have a husband and a child and aunts and cousins and friends-who-are-like-family and honestly, it’s just something I don’t like to think about and would never consider when deciding whether or not to have more kids.
Fifth misconception: I’ve had people ask me something along the lines of, “Don’t you want to give LG a sibling? It’s so special!” and I totally do not doubt that. I see Chris and his three younger brothers, so I GET IT (as much as I can get it.) But here’s a little secret for you: An only child’s relationship with their parents? Is awesome. Now, maybe you’re an only child and your relationship with your parents sucks (I hope not!) or maybe you’re one of many and your relationship with your parents is awesome (yay!), but for me? There is sort of an indescribable connection that the three of us have that I don’t have with anyone else. We can basically read one another’s minds and I think this really has to do with it being just the three of us for so long. When you’re stuck on a desert island (or Bakersfield) with only two other people, you get to know them pretty damn well. It’s not a sibling relationship — OF COURSE — but it’s cool and different and for me, a sibling really would have compromised the relationship me and my parents had when I was growing up, as well as the relationship we have now. For better? Worse? Of course I’ll never know, but I don’t really want to know, either.
(I feel like this post could also be titled “Only Children: They’re Just Like Us!” but it’s true. We’re just as happy, sad, lonely, fulfilled, spoiled or not as everyone else on the planet.)
Only children or people raising only children: Did I miss anything here?
Thank you so much for sharing this! I have a 6 year old son, and sometimes I feel guilty about our family composition, even though he seems very happy right now. It is nice to hear from an only child who wasn’t scarred for life. 😉
I’m not an only child, and I don’t have kids – but actually Alex and I hated each other (as in we didn’t even speak to each other even living in the same house) until probably 5 years ago or so. And I’m still having issues with the youngest brother which I won’t go in to in a public place. But…I guess my point is that having siblings isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. Especially when the kids are so complete polar opposites from each other – makes lives miserable for both the kids and the parents.
Thank you for writing this one! As someone who is pregnant with #1 and running the numbers on daycare costs, #2 feels pretty unfathomable.
I’m not an only–nor is my husband–so I’m interested in learning more about them!
I have a brother. And….I really don’t like to share. I mean, I DO IT because I’m an adult but I DON’T LIKE IT and I never really have.
So, there you go.
I’m an only child. The only effect it’s had on me is a lack of understanding of how sibling relationships work. Like I don’t get how they can hate each other but love each other. That doesn’t compute. But, just as that doesn’t make sense to me, I get why people don’t understand why an only child isn’t lonely. I wasn’t lonely at all. I was alone more than a child with siblings, but…it wasn’t better or worse, it was just different. I did feel like it would have been nice to have had a sibling to take the focus off me. I felt scrutinized since my parents didn’t have anyone else to pay attention to.
I also hate sharing–maybe because my brothers always tried to TAKE MY STUFF.
I’m so glad you wrote this. I’m an only and the mother of an only. Occasionally, I worry about not giving my son a sibling but mostly I think he’ll be fine, is fine. The spoiled thing hasn’t died out because my son’s friends say that to him a lot. He says he tells them it’s not his fault he’s an only child. The thing is he doesn’t have anymore or less stuff than his friends.
Love this!
It always baffles me when people have pity for me (or Garrett) that we are (both) onlies because I am totally with you on the Special Parent Relationship. I swear it wasn’t until high school maybe that it occurred to me that most people didn’t think their parents were SUPER AWESOME RAD to hang out with.
That said, now that my dad is gone, I do sort of have this OHMYGOD I WILL BE AN ORPHAN type of fear about anything happening to my mom. But I can’t imagine sharing a bedroom with a sibling growing up would like, blunt the pain of that…if that makes sense. I have a weird feeling we will only have one kid. I don’t know why I feel that way (maybe because it’s all I know, so it’s all I can fathom) but I do.
Oh also: I totally had 2 imaginary friends that were twins. RANDOM. They were named Saggy and Snoka. A fact that still makes Garrett SNORT with laughter.
I am an only child and my daughter is a planned only child. Funnily enough, my parents planned to only have one for the same reasons my husband and I plan to only have one (and he has two brothers). I never, ever missed having a sibling until I was older and had to deal with some difficult health issues with my parents, and wished I had someone to share the situation with. But I don’t feel like I missed out on anything, and I certainly don’t feel like i’m taking anything away from my daughter by not giving her a sibling. I always had a very strong relationship with my parents, even during high school. I hope to have the same with my daughter as she grows up and we are able to share experiences together, just her and I.
I have no opinions on other people’s family size choices, but LOTS of curiosity, so thank you! I’m one of five and wanted at least three of my own, my husband is the youngest (but his only sibling is 8 years older, so youngest/only) and three was his absolute limit. Of course our growing up experiences play into how we see our own family taking shape. I think I would have been very happy as an only (as the oldest, I used to wonder why my parents “kept going” when they’d hit perfection the first time around) but I also love that my sisters are finally in my same stage of life-ish and having that grown up relationship with them. ANYWAY. I think it’s all good! Some of my favorite people are onlies!
I’m an only, and I love seeing others write about being only children. I find that I don’t really judge people or even…think twice about people having one child. I never think about them ‘giving their child a sibling’ or anything of the sort. Maybe because I am from a small family of very few children, nieces, nephews and the like.
Unfortunately I wish I felt some of the same things. I don’t know as being an only child made my relationship with my parents any better or worse. It may have made me and my Mother’s relationship a little – complicated sometimes. Enmeshed? Maybe even codependent? But, that’s not JUST because I was an only, you know?
I always wanted siblings. I have always loved my alone time and knowing myself now I don’t know as I could have HANDLED a sibling however – I DID feel lonely sometimes. I certainly do now. I wish I had someone that grew up like I did that I could share things with. That I could call and they’d understand where I was coming from. I didn’t feel lonely as a child, but as I get older, I DO feel lonely family wise.
That said, I don’t think my experience is something that should affect whether a family has one or more children. It’s mine, individual and unique in all its good and bad. Being an only certainly doesn’t mean we are better or worse off than any other sibling situation! We just ARE.
Thank you for this. Our daughter just turned two this week and I am still feeling one and done. Part of it is the cost factor ( we can’t afford two in daycare and I do not want to leave my job); part of it is likely PTSD from my labor complications, post-labor complications, and a refluxy child; and the biggest part is that I feel like our little family of three is awesome as is. I just don’t feel the urge to have another. So far, no questions from family and close friends know how I feel. Nice to not get the third degree, not that it’s anyone’s business.
Thank you thank you thank you for this!! I love hearing from adult “only” children since I am raising a single child and I get so weary of people’s assumptions that her being enough for us is a bad thing. I actually think many people gloss over the downsides of having siblings, or of raising multiple children. Everything has pros and cons but that’s ignored for anything but a “normal” family size.
Love this! I am an only child who has an only child. I am not a spoiled brat but I know plenty of people with siblings who are. I never felt alone as a kid, but instead I learned to use my imagination and entertain myself, especially with books as you did. As an adult I relish my time alone, which is not to say I don’t enjoy spending time with friends.
I have been told I am selfish for having an only child, that I am depriving her of a “better” life with siblings. As if having a sibling ensures they are going to like one another, have anything in common or even be friends. I have been told I have an awesome kid “for an only child”, as if she were breaking the mold of only children or would somehow be even better if she had siblings.
This doesn’t even take into account that perhaps some people would love to have another child but can’t for whatever reason. Just another case where people should mind their own damn business.
Thanks for this post Sar-bear. Glad to know it REALLY was ok that you were an only child. 🙂
I’m a-okay with an only grand-daughter too. She’s really special.
I totally do remember your imaginary twin friends. (Kathy and Kelly, I think?) We were in SF one day and you wanted to stop at their house off of 19th Ave in Golden Gate Park. I almost had to get out and ring the bell and have a fake conversation with someone about them not being home…
This is amazing – THANK YOU! I am an only child (well, not anymore technically, I guess, but my half brother is 28 years younger so I would say I’ve had the Only Child Experience) and I it’s such a backhanded compliment when people say things to me like, “Oh, I wouldn’t have guessed you’re an only child. You seem so nice.” Thanks?
I work at an elder law firm and see every family dynamic possible and while I see quite a few onlies tasked with caring for elderly parents, it seems like even if you have 10 kids, ONE is always The One In Charge anyway, and there’s zero guarantee that all – or any! -of your kids will care for you. Sorry, that was so depressing, but it’s my observation.
I second all the “close relationship with parents” and “ability to share” awesomeness 🙂
Totally late to the commenting party. However, I wanted to say “thank you” for writing this. I had always figured that I would have more than one kid, but I can’t now. I have been mourning the loss of a sibling for my son. I will do my best to think of this blog post when I get sad and think instead of the awesome relationship that the three people in my family have and get to continue to build.
I love this post. I just… delight in posts like this (like those from Lawyerish and I think She Likes Purple, too) because my husband and I think we’ll have one and that’s it. We’re not closing any doors – maybe once the baby gets here we’ll want a whole passel of kiddos – but that’s the plan. I totally agree with you on ALL of the points (and, like A’Dell, I have a younger brother but I HATE to share – seriously, get your own food at dinner and keep your fingers off my plate) but the one that makes me the most worried is the parents dying thing. Hopefully we raise a kid who makes friends and has a good support system… but what if we die and that really does leave this baby all alone? Okay, okay – there’s the other side of it, too – I’ve seen and heard about families with multiple siblings where one sibling has to deal with the brunt of a parent’s death and THAT seems worse, somehow, than having to deal with it alone because there’s only you.
Man, this is a depressing comment. Sorry.