You would think I would have exhausted the Annoying Things People Say To Pregnant Women thing, but it appears I’m not done. I could blame it on the fact that I’m pregnant and fat and tired and generally hormonal OR I could blame it on the fact that most people are idiots and say the most annoying things that leave me no choice but to put them on here. Let’s go with the latter.
So listen, unless we’re related, or you’re a friend of mine, or you’re Rachel Zoe, or you’re Giuliana Rancic, I am absolutely not interested in your pregnancy. If I come into contact with a complete stranger who happens to be pregnant, I do not feel compelled to ask her anything about it. I don’t care how many weeks along she is, whether she’s having a boy or a girl, if it’s her first kid or her tenth. I could give two shits about strangers’ pregnancies. Honestly, I could give two shits about MY OWN pregnancy. I just want it to be OVER so I can get my body back, not be assaulted on a daily basis, and drink more than one glass of wine per sitting.
That being said, it appears that everyone else on the planet is really (like, really REALLY) interested in other peoples’ pregnancies. They say and ask the most inane things and while I certainly haven’t gotten the weirdest of weird questions/comments (you guys always seem to have some really egregious stories to share), I’ve definitely gotten some doozies. Let’s discuss.
Really Annoying Encounter With A Complete Stranger #1:
Chris and I were at Costco a couple weeks ago and the ladies who were slinging burrito samples asked me what I was having.
Me: It’s a girl.
Burrito Slinging Lady #1: Are you sure? It looks like a boy. Doesn’t it look like a boy?
Burrito Slinging Lady #2: Yeah, it looks like a boy.
Me: Well, it’s a girl.
BSL #1: No, you’re having a boy.
BSL #2: Yeah, you’re pointy and low, so it must be a boy.
Me: Well, I’ve looked between her legs. She’s a girl.
And then as we were walking away, Chris’s head blew off because of the absolute ridiculousness and stupidity he’d just witnessed. “This shit happens all the time,” I told him. “ALL. THE. TIME.”
Really Annoying Encounter With A Complete Stranger #2:
On that same trip to Costco, we were stocking up on booze, as it was our last trip to Costco before SHE arrives. We were buying a lot of booze (a case of wine and six magnums of champagne and a half gallon of gin, what?) and the cashier said, “Heh heh, I bet you wish you could drink some of this, heh heh.” And then Chris said, “Don’t you just want to open a bottle and start chugging it when people say that?” Yes, yes I do.
For the record, Costco cashier man, I went home and opened one of those bottles of wine and had a glass, so shut your dumb face.
(Other things similar to this happen with some frequency. Like on more than one occasion (say, at a work meeting), I’ve been offered coffee and then immediately the offer was rescinded with a, “Oh, nevermind, you can’t drink coffee.”
Or when deciding where to eat lunch, “Oh, Sarah can’t have sushi, so we can’t go there.”
Hey, thanks for telling me what I can and cannot have, since you are obviously my baby’s mother. Oh, wait, that’s ME carrying her around.)
Really Annoying Encounter With A Complete Stranger #3:
Someone (who’s not a stranger, necessarily, but also not a family member, friend, Rachel Zoe, or Giuliana Rancic) recently asked me if this was a planned pregnancy. “Not that it matters either way!” she hastened to say.
Listen, I get it. It’s always nice to hear that people who have been trying to get pregnant have been successful in their endeavors. But. Why does a stranger care? WHY? Strangers should not care. And they certainly shouldn’t ASK.
Really Annoying Encounter with a Complete Stranger #4 and #5:
In the past week, I’ve had two strangers (one was a random woman in the work bathroom, the other was our cashier at Lowe’s) ask me – in addition to how far along I am, what the baby is (she’s a GIRL, dammit), and whether or not this is my first child – what we’re naming the baby.
No. Just no, no, no.
I’m certainly not secretive about her name. If you’re a family member or friend, you already know her name. And sure, everyone is going to know her name EVENTUALLY, but why do strangers think I would tell them?
Yes! Let me share with you very personal information, random person who I’ve never seen and will probably never see again.
Not So Annoying, In Fact, Really Nice Encounter With A Complete Stranger #1:
The other day, I was walking into work after lunch and was entering through a side of the building I don’t normally use, when the security guard (who I am familiar with because I do SOMETIMES use this entrance and also because the security guards float around and work at different entrances every quarter or so) pulled me aside to profusely apologize for telling me I looked “so big!” the week before.
You guys. I hadn’t even noticed he’d said I looked “so big!” but apparently the security ladies who work with him had given him all kinds of hell after he said it. So he was basically waiting around for me to use that entrance again so he could apologize. I know this because I recall the women looking at me weirdly as I walked in, like they KNEW he was going to apologize and wanted to make sure he did it.
Anyway, I told him not to worry, that I wasn’t offended, that I’ve been told a lot worse these days, but it was still nice for another person to learn the cardinal rule If You’re Not Going To Say, “Wow! You look great!” Then Don’t Say Anything At All.
*Because, come on, I still have four-ish weeks left; there’s bound to be a Version 2.
I think people just love babies and don’t mean to be as stupid as they sound. I really do think at our core, humanity is good and kind.
Having written that, I don’t blame you for being annoyed when the entire world knows what is supposedly bad for a pregnant woman.
Very nice of the security guard.
Honestly, I want to elope because I don’t think I’ll be able to handle people asking me “how’s the wedding planning going?” for a whole year without committing an act of assault. I told Garrett we will be engaged for a VERY. SHORT. PERIOD. OF TIME. so he best ask me when he’s ready to do the deed. That said, I feel like being pregnant will be EVEN WORSE, omg I have no patience with people poking into my business like that, and there is no way to have the “short engagement” equivalent when you are pregnant. Sigh. I best start preparing now, or find a set of boxing gloves that fit neatly in my purse like one of those trendy grocery bags.
It’s pretty nice that the security guard pulled you aside. Poor dude. Guys don’t really get pregnancy etiquette (um, obviously a million women don’t, either), & I think they sometimes feel like women WANT them to say something, you know, like they have to? Poor guy was probably obsessing over making a pregnant lady feel bad.
OMG YES YES YES. ALL OF THAT. People are BEYOND STUPID.
I love that you told the woman at Costco that you’ve looked between her legs. HEE!
Inappropriate or not, I would have hugged that poor security guard. He probably felt like hell. Ha.
Last night at dinner, a friend of my mom’s said to me, “HOW much time do you have left? You weren’t that big with Finn were you?” Umm, 11 weeks and thanks so much for making me feel like hell, I’m already struggling with feeling like a giant pregnant lady.
Sooo I may have already ranted to you about this but a few weeks ago a family friend was visiting from out of town. I have known this lady my entire life. Our families vacationed together every damn summer until all of us kids were too cool to go vacation with our parents. This woman is basically another mother to me is what I’m saying.
Her son’s wife is currently pregnant and is due exactly one month before I’m due. My little sister is also pregnant and is due two weeks before I’m due. So family friend’s son’s wife is due first, two weeks later it’s my little sister, two weeks later it’s me. This is a lot of back story. Sorry.
So we’re all over for a big family lunch thing because family friend is leaving that day and we’re chatting about pregnancy stuff when she whips out this gem: “Son’s wife is so cute with her little bump! Look at this picture of her bump! I mean, she’s not as big as either of you but I guess everyone carries differently.”
Huh. So. The lady who is due a month before I’m due – you felt the need to point out how much smaller she is than I am? THANKS, FAMILY FRIEND.
Also, family friend’s son’s wife? Runs marathons. She has LITERALLY climbed Mount Everest. She’s just a TAD more in shape than I am, okay? So maybe her monster ab muscles are holding her stupid baby bump in or something, OKAY? God. Let’s talk about how fat I am, that sounds like fun.
Unfortunately it only gets worse once you HAVE the baby. A complete stranger in Starbucks the other day asked me why I had a csection. The answer is innocuous enough (baby was breech), but I had half a mind to tell her it was because I was having a herpes outbreak.
People are so annoying. Everytime I see a pregnant woman I’m all “I feel sorry for you”…because she is pregnant and because she has to deal with annoying people all the time. Being pregnant sucks. Anyone who says differently is a liar! Sucks! Four months of puking followed by 5 more months of not drinking. No thanks.